123123 (12/31/23)
So, it is yet again December 31! Wow. New Year's Eve. I feel really reflective this year, I guess. Which is funny because I made a post a LONG time ago about how New Year’s always makes me reflective, but that changed a LOT in the years after. In that same old post, I made a goal to be gentle. I said I hate resolutions because New Years is just some day, and I still agree LOL. I can see why it feels special though. It’s nice to think there is more time and possibility. This time, I don’t feel nostalgic, even though back then, I thought I would always be cursed to miss something. Yesterday, I saw my high school friends and we talked and laughed and walked around the mall like before. It was nice and comfortable and it also made me realize that my home is somewhere else now.
My first semester of college was such a ride. I have my dorm filled with my knick knacks all hung up over the wall and a bathroom full of products that make me feel warm and well taken care of. All I ever dream for the people I care about is for them to be happy and well cared for, and I guess for the first time ever, I feel that way myself. I made incredible new friends and practiced my passions. I went to New York and saw Lauryn Hill in concert and stayed out until the early morning. It was stressful, but so good. I used to dream I’d find a life like this and now, it’s all just so overwhelming. I look forward to my days! Even when I’m worried, there's so much good mixed into my days. This is the gentleness I dreamed of, I think. Maybe that’s why I didn’t make any other resolution. It took me so long to reach this one.
I don’t think I’m a very brave person, but I want to be. I love knowing people who are brave and do things without their fears stopping them. It makes me feel bold and excited and spontaneous. I worked so hard to be gentle and so much of that was misguided. I don’t think I realized a life like this could be gentle. I didn’t know people loved me, but when I opened myself up to it, that’s when things started getting better. That was around this time last year. Things got worse for other reasons at the same time, so it’s a weird time to navigate in my memories. It’s all so complicated. Life in general is so complicated LOL. But, in a few weeks I go back home to my dorm, to what now feels like my real life, and I get to ring in the new year with people who love me and really, really know me. I dreamed of that for so long, I still feel ready to sob at the thought.
There’s always more love waiting around the corner, across state lines, anywhere you go. I was always scared to say stuff like that, because at times I convince myself it’s not true. But, I think it is. Love makes me braver than I really am. I am confrontational for the people I care about. They teach me how to use public transit, leave me messages to calm my airport anxiety, and they gift me inspiration and poetry. I am brave for these people, so I want to one day be brave for myself.
I feel like I don’t really remember how to write blog posts anymore, so this will have to suffice, but I hope the upcoming year is good. It’s almost spring! I can’t wait to have spring in my new little life. It’s always ok to have hope and being gentle doesn’t mean expecting the worst. This world is full of love. I hope love will always make me brave. Insha’Allah, always, that good things will be there for us when we live with love.
My first semester of college was such a ride. I have my dorm filled with my knick knacks all hung up over the wall and a bathroom full of products that make me feel warm and well taken care of. All I ever dream for the people I care about is for them to be happy and well cared for, and I guess for the first time ever, I feel that way myself. I made incredible new friends and practiced my passions. I went to New York and saw Lauryn Hill in concert and stayed out until the early morning. It was stressful, but so good. I used to dream I’d find a life like this and now, it’s all just so overwhelming. I look forward to my days! Even when I’m worried, there's so much good mixed into my days. This is the gentleness I dreamed of, I think. Maybe that’s why I didn’t make any other resolution. It took me so long to reach this one.
I don’t think I’m a very brave person, but I want to be. I love knowing people who are brave and do things without their fears stopping them. It makes me feel bold and excited and spontaneous. I worked so hard to be gentle and so much of that was misguided. I don’t think I realized a life like this could be gentle. I didn’t know people loved me, but when I opened myself up to it, that’s when things started getting better. That was around this time last year. Things got worse for other reasons at the same time, so it’s a weird time to navigate in my memories. It’s all so complicated. Life in general is so complicated LOL. But, in a few weeks I go back home to my dorm, to what now feels like my real life, and I get to ring in the new year with people who love me and really, really know me. I dreamed of that for so long, I still feel ready to sob at the thought.
There’s always more love waiting around the corner, across state lines, anywhere you go. I was always scared to say stuff like that, because at times I convince myself it’s not true. But, I think it is. Love makes me braver than I really am. I am confrontational for the people I care about. They teach me how to use public transit, leave me messages to calm my airport anxiety, and they gift me inspiration and poetry. I am brave for these people, so I want to one day be brave for myself.
I feel like I don’t really remember how to write blog posts anymore, so this will have to suffice, but I hope the upcoming year is good. It’s almost spring! I can’t wait to have spring in my new little life. It’s always ok to have hope and being gentle doesn’t mean expecting the worst. This world is full of love. I hope love will always make me brave. Insha’Allah, always, that good things will be there for us when we live with love.
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