Extremes

    I remember being a kid a lot. I often think back to the times when I’d hide inside my shirt in the dark of a room. The world was small and soft and contained. Most of all, it was contained.

    I’ve been dealing with a lot of mental health struggles lately. I keep swinging between these episodes of total despair, which I initially just assumed was seasonal depression, and a loud vivaciousness that I can’t stop. I guess I thought that was just me for a while; loud and boisterous and honest. But today, it took a weird, ugly turn.

    And it scared me. I thought back to this time in class when I literally just kept talking. And I don’t mean in a “Haha! Weirdo,” way, I mean like not one second. I spent the ENTIRE class talking without giving anyone else a chance to speak. I felt disgusting after and spent the next few days trying to remain silent. I hate it. I always tell my friends that I don't think before I speak, but I don’t think they understand what I mean. It’s honestly not on purpose. It’s scary. I felt that way again today. I was loud and talky and apparently at some points, I didn’t make any sense. It was funny for other people, I guess, but when I think about it, I’m scared.

    I think that’s what I’ve felt a lot lately. Just terrified. I could feel myself slipping into depression again when winter really started picking up and it was bad. I could hardly talk and everything took so much effort. My teachers were even worried, which was truly very kind. I played it off to my friends, but I just remember those few weeks of feeling like I was on the verge of breaking down. Am I still there? I don’t know. I keep scaring myself. Today I didn’t pack a lunch because in the morning all I could think of was how much work that seemed like, and how much rather I’d be in bed (even though I’ve been having sleep issues too). So all day, I was moving a mile a minute but couldn’t do the things I needed to take care of myself.

    I guess all of it is very confusing. Especially the times when I just don’t feel anything. I always feel like such a dramatic teen saying that, but there was a few-month stretch where all I could feel was total apathy. I didn’t even feel human, I just existed. I guess some extreme end of the spectrum is better than that. Maybe not? I don’t know. Who would I be without extremes?

    Sometimes I miss the ease of fitting my head under my shirt, and in all honesty, I’ve tried it recently. But I still feel scared. There are so many unknowns with how I feel. I am scared to hit a breaking point and do something I regret or become someone I hate. I wish I was more coherent. SO badly. I wish I knew how to talk about these things too. I’m a light-hearted person and I just feel like I brush all these things off, but I’m worried. I feel so ridiculous sometimes. I’m scared of what’s happening, but I am also scared of trying to explain it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    As per usual, this blog ends here with no concrete answers. I think I needed to talk (or write, I guess) about this. The perks of anonymity and having no regular blog visitors! I’m totally free! LOL. But, if anyone actually is reading, don’t be too worried. I’m making it through and Alhamdulillah for it all. I’m blessed and good things are coming. I hope you’re well too.

    I love you dearly.