Contradictions

    Well, long time no blog post. I’ve posted poems, but there really is nothing quite like a lengthy blog post all about my feelings. Of which, I have had many lately.

    I guess I’ll just skip the summer and go straight to the school year. I’m a senior now! I’m so excited, but I am also drowning. I don’t even know how to explain this, but I haven’t felt this good (emotionally) in so long, but I still feel like everything's just falling apart, which I know it isn’t. Well, for the most part, I guess. I mean, right now I was sitting there trying to do math homework and it just makes me want to give up. I’ve never felt like this so badly. There were so many times last year when I thought I couldn’t keep going but I did. And this year, I feel this in a sort of jumbled way: I feel like I know I can keep going, but then when I try, I’m paralyzed. I feel so stuck.

    Maybe part of that is college applications. I’m so beyond excited for college, but I’ve never felt as insecure about myself as a student and a writer. It makes me feel sick. What am I supposed to do if none of this works out? Do I stick around here? How do I know when to give up and when to keep kicking? Math again! I kick and kick in math, but every test grade I get back, my class grade drops and I end up in this never-ending loop of revisions and corrections and retakes. It’s so draining. And to add to it, I did HORRENDOUS on a physics test, so now I’m stuck in that loop for 2 classes. It just sucks. What do I do? I know, retake them, work through it. But beyond that, what do I do? Does that make sense? This whole thing feels like when you’re writing an essay and you just can’t get your point across; I just don’t have the answer that works.

    I’m also sick, to top that off. This makes me even sadder. Every time I get sick (or sick enough to stay home from school), I have these little traditions for myself. One started accidentally when I was younger. I was sick on the couch and Princess Protection Program was on, so I watched it. And now, whenever I’m sick, I lay on the couch and watch it again. But I haven’t. I haven’t even had time to take care of myself. Another sad thing because I know in college when I get sick, I won’t have my parents there to take care of me. I guess it’s not a big deal, but it is weird to think. I talked to a teacher recently who told me about the ugly self-care–do your essay and get it done, eat healthy, finish your work self-care. She said that the difference between slacking off and self-care is intentionality. If you set the time to take a break, it’s self-care, but if you meander from your task and end up on a break, it’s not. It stuck with me. I don’t like it, but yeah, I’m trying to take that advice.

    So, how do I handle burnout? I’ll take any tips. Right now, I just take a lot of accidental breaks and naps, and sometimes cry about it. I make sure to have my daily tea with honey because I know it’s good for me. I want more tea, not Dayquil, you know? I think it’s less sterile, more inside-out healing. And that’s what I want. I’m working on healing in small ways, like saying no and remembering to look at myself hard in the bathroom mirror with appreciation. The mornings are mine. I don’t work in them; they’re to pray and watch the sunrise. I am sick of the cold already. My space heater isn’t currently helping for some reason, though it’s pointed very close to me. I’ve given up on making my bed in the mornings, but maybe one day I’ll try again.

    Basically, I’m contradicting myself. I want to feel better, but that’s more work than I can handle. I just want to slow down, you know? I feel calm though, which is something I miss a lot. I like feeling calm. Maybe the calm is worth the bad test grades. I don’t know. I’m just losing it while also making sure to keep it together. LOL. I hope that makes sense. I know this is short, but even writing this all out doesn’t feel right. I’m sorry. I know no one cares, but really, I’m sorry. I wish I felt good enough to do better, but since I don’t, this’ll have to do. I hope anyone reading feels good.

    I hope your tea is warm and sweet.

    I hope your blanket is warm enough at night.

    I hope your grades are where you want them.

    I hope you feel calm and good; peace, peace, peace and love, baby.

    Insha’Allah. Insha’Allah. Insha’Allah.