New Year, Same Me
Since it is a new year, I am, as usual, feeling nostalgic. Something about a “new beginning” (I’m staying the same, don’t worry, new year, same me) always does.
Nostalgia is complicated for me. Although I love looking back at my life with fond memories, I’ve always been the type of person to feel sad that they’re over. This morning, I thought over my friendships and what they have meant to me, as well as what they mean to me now. I haven’t always been good at friendship. In fact, I’d say I still am not. When I think of my happiest days of friendship, there are usually lingering feelings of disappointment around them.
Since probably kindergarten, I have felt left out, like a tricycle’s front wheel. I can’t blame others for this, it is completely an internal issue, but it does still hurt. I spent years forming beautiful relationships, working hard to show my love, my care, and yet, they always fizzle out. This is a certain expectation I have now, I just expect to get left behind. In all honesty, I thought this year would be different. I assumed since I spent time reflecting internally and working on who I am as a person, people would prefer this sense of confidence to my insecurity. I know it’s really selfish, you don’t have to think it (I’m only human!). But, all evidence points to nothing new. I am once again friend #3, choice #2 at most.
Strangely, I’m finding comfort in this. I think I have begun to prefer silence over talking. At least talking without purpose. I used to do a lot of things I didn’t want to in order to please others, or just make them be more interested in being my friend. I hoped that doing things other people didn’t expect of me, or trying to be funny in a way that I’m not, would make them take notice, that I’d be more likable. What I didn’t realize was that this also influenced the way I talked. I now know, I am not a joke. I am not the butt of anyone’s joke. I don’t want to be ever again, including the ones that come from myself. I hate that I did that. I shouldn’t have tried to pick on myself to make others more comfortable. Sometimes, I still find myself doing it, and it leaves me with a horrible feeling in my chest. It is not my responsibility to make others more comfortable. Never. Why do I have to make being myself so difficult?
I don’t want to be liked in the way I was liked. I have given up in some aspects. I’ve stopped being the first one to text, or to talk to someone in class, and if someone’s joke hurts me, I’ve stopped trying to force the relationship past it. I think I feel better this way. I only say “I think” because it still isn’t fun being alone, but I’d rather be completely alone and feel it than be lonely and suppress it. This is why I thought people would like my company better now. I’ve understood this concept for a really long time, and sometimes I’d even feel like I was practicing it, but not until now have I really internalized it.
I was thinking over a friendship that began two years ago, with a person whom I have not seen since then. I was supposed to see them at an event we were both attending, but due to COVID cases climbing, it got switched online. I felt so disappointed, but as I thought over our relationship, I realized we definitely were not as close as I remember. Not even in a bad way, we were good friends, but for some reason, I remember our relationship being filled with joy and jokes and fun, when I only saw them a few times a week at most. How embarrassing for me! I was thinking we were incredibly close, near the infamous “best friend” status, and we REALLY weren’t! AGH! THAT’S SO NOT FUNNY BUT IT'S FUNNY! Sure what I felt was really deep and connected, but that didn’t translate to real life. That doesn’t make it wrong or bad, but it definitely took a toll on me.
Of course I’d expect a lot from someone if what I imagined was hyper-friendship. So as I looked at my other relationships, I started to feel a little better, in a way. It definitely opened up a lot of forgiveness. But that doesn't mean it cured me of my failure at friendship. I always get to this point of feeling like I know my boundaries; that I understand what is good for me and what will set me off emotionally. However, I don’t! AGH! AGAIN, AGH! Not too long ago, in the midst of some social relaxation, I got a text where, even though I didn’t feel what I replied, I sent it out. I was just so excited to be wanted, to finally not be the one to text first, that I completely ignored how I really felt. I just wanted to get across how thankful (cough, desperate, cough) I was that someone wanted to connect with me. I know, how humiliating! What I did definitely wasn’t within my boundaries. Of course, in the moment, everything felt fine, but looking back, it wasn’t. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and most of all, sad.
I have forced so many “I love yous” and “I miss yous” even if they weren’t fully true. In a way, I wouldn’t fully discount them because I do love a lot. I am proud of my ability to love and not be jaded by past blips with friendships, but I didn’t take myself into account. What may help a relationship with others, hurts me. I don’t need to be so all-or-nothing. I can be balanced. And right now, I think that just means some quiet. Maybe I’ll eat lunch in the library for a while, or just watch a show. It is ok to feel lonely. Sometimes I want to shake and yell at myself until I get it. No matter how much I say it, the second I feel better, I think I’m finally wonderful at friendship, and I throw away all my inhibitions. But, I don’t need to be surrounded by friends, I don’t need to make fun of myself, or accept the things other people say about me to be loved.
I am really tired of trying. I don’t want to change or speak over myself in order to be someone’s friend. I just want to exist, you know? So, because I am against New Year’s resolutions (why only change because of a new calendar year?), I am going to make a (hopefully) permanent change. I hope to be gentle. I hope to spend quiet lunches in the library, or with people who don’t make me feel like I need to be something different. Maybe people like that don’t exist, or maybe they’re only between pages in books like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I know for sure, though, I can name at least one friend who makes me feel good, though she doesn’t go to my school. So there is still hope!
This may not be a full “new beginning,” but I really hope by the time I look back at the moment I am writing this, probably feeling nostalgic, I feel at least a little bit better.
Nostalgia is complicated for me. Although I love looking back at my life with fond memories, I’ve always been the type of person to feel sad that they’re over. This morning, I thought over my friendships and what they have meant to me, as well as what they mean to me now. I haven’t always been good at friendship. In fact, I’d say I still am not. When I think of my happiest days of friendship, there are usually lingering feelings of disappointment around them.
Since probably kindergarten, I have felt left out, like a tricycle’s front wheel. I can’t blame others for this, it is completely an internal issue, but it does still hurt. I spent years forming beautiful relationships, working hard to show my love, my care, and yet, they always fizzle out. This is a certain expectation I have now, I just expect to get left behind. In all honesty, I thought this year would be different. I assumed since I spent time reflecting internally and working on who I am as a person, people would prefer this sense of confidence to my insecurity. I know it’s really selfish, you don’t have to think it (I’m only human!). But, all evidence points to nothing new. I am once again friend #3, choice #2 at most.
Strangely, I’m finding comfort in this. I think I have begun to prefer silence over talking. At least talking without purpose. I used to do a lot of things I didn’t want to in order to please others, or just make them be more interested in being my friend. I hoped that doing things other people didn’t expect of me, or trying to be funny in a way that I’m not, would make them take notice, that I’d be more likable. What I didn’t realize was that this also influenced the way I talked. I now know, I am not a joke. I am not the butt of anyone’s joke. I don’t want to be ever again, including the ones that come from myself. I hate that I did that. I shouldn’t have tried to pick on myself to make others more comfortable. Sometimes, I still find myself doing it, and it leaves me with a horrible feeling in my chest. It is not my responsibility to make others more comfortable. Never. Why do I have to make being myself so difficult?
I don’t want to be liked in the way I was liked. I have given up in some aspects. I’ve stopped being the first one to text, or to talk to someone in class, and if someone’s joke hurts me, I’ve stopped trying to force the relationship past it. I think I feel better this way. I only say “I think” because it still isn’t fun being alone, but I’d rather be completely alone and feel it than be lonely and suppress it. This is why I thought people would like my company better now. I’ve understood this concept for a really long time, and sometimes I’d even feel like I was practicing it, but not until now have I really internalized it.
I was thinking over a friendship that began two years ago, with a person whom I have not seen since then. I was supposed to see them at an event we were both attending, but due to COVID cases climbing, it got switched online. I felt so disappointed, but as I thought over our relationship, I realized we definitely were not as close as I remember. Not even in a bad way, we were good friends, but for some reason, I remember our relationship being filled with joy and jokes and fun, when I only saw them a few times a week at most. How embarrassing for me! I was thinking we were incredibly close, near the infamous “best friend” status, and we REALLY weren’t! AGH! THAT’S SO NOT FUNNY BUT IT'S FUNNY! Sure what I felt was really deep and connected, but that didn’t translate to real life. That doesn’t make it wrong or bad, but it definitely took a toll on me.
Of course I’d expect a lot from someone if what I imagined was hyper-friendship. So as I looked at my other relationships, I started to feel a little better, in a way. It definitely opened up a lot of forgiveness. But that doesn't mean it cured me of my failure at friendship. I always get to this point of feeling like I know my boundaries; that I understand what is good for me and what will set me off emotionally. However, I don’t! AGH! AGAIN, AGH! Not too long ago, in the midst of some social relaxation, I got a text where, even though I didn’t feel what I replied, I sent it out. I was just so excited to be wanted, to finally not be the one to text first, that I completely ignored how I really felt. I just wanted to get across how thankful (cough, desperate, cough) I was that someone wanted to connect with me. I know, how humiliating! What I did definitely wasn’t within my boundaries. Of course, in the moment, everything felt fine, but looking back, it wasn’t. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and most of all, sad.
I have forced so many “I love yous” and “I miss yous” even if they weren’t fully true. In a way, I wouldn’t fully discount them because I do love a lot. I am proud of my ability to love and not be jaded by past blips with friendships, but I didn’t take myself into account. What may help a relationship with others, hurts me. I don’t need to be so all-or-nothing. I can be balanced. And right now, I think that just means some quiet. Maybe I’ll eat lunch in the library for a while, or just watch a show. It is ok to feel lonely. Sometimes I want to shake and yell at myself until I get it. No matter how much I say it, the second I feel better, I think I’m finally wonderful at friendship, and I throw away all my inhibitions. But, I don’t need to be surrounded by friends, I don’t need to make fun of myself, or accept the things other people say about me to be loved.
I am really tired of trying. I don’t want to change or speak over myself in order to be someone’s friend. I just want to exist, you know? So, because I am against New Year’s resolutions (why only change because of a new calendar year?), I am going to make a (hopefully) permanent change. I hope to be gentle. I hope to spend quiet lunches in the library, or with people who don’t make me feel like I need to be something different. Maybe people like that don’t exist, or maybe they’re only between pages in books like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I know for sure, though, I can name at least one friend who makes me feel good, though she doesn’t go to my school. So there is still hope!
This may not be a full “new beginning,” but I really hope by the time I look back at the moment I am writing this, probably feeling nostalgic, I feel at least a little bit better.
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